Some people can launch pretty quickly into deep discussions. Others require a little warming up first.
For instance, my conversations accelerate at the speed of my 200,000+-mile Nissan Maxima--embarrassingly slow, and you've barely reached the desired speed by the time you reach the destination.
If you say, "Tell me about your life," I will sputter out and lurch awkwardly from topic to topic. No one will have a good time, least of all me.
By contrast, if we play a few video games or watch a TV show, that takes off the pressure. We're doing something. And then before I know what's happening, I suddenly can't shut up and I'm sharing everything you ever wanted to know about my life. (This tendency can sometimes irritate friends and loved ones, who might easily describe me as running "hot" and "cold.")
My friend Carson is a Ferrari. That guy can fly from zero to near-warp speed faster than anyone in the world. He will hear your entire life story before he ever learns your name. He's a fabulous guy.
But dang if it isn't disarming the first time he approaches you.
He dropped one of those bombs a few years ago, during a Christian retreat we were attending. Carson met this new girl, Lily, and the two were talking in the corner. They seemed to be hitting it off OK. I was a bit overstimulated by the crowd of people, spotted Carson, and decided I would hole away from the crowd with he and Lily.
Lily moved over from the middle of the couch and made a little room for me. Carson sat backwards in a folding chair, leaning over the backrest, intensely staring at Lily.
"Hey, guys. How's it going?" I asked.
"Great!" Carson beamed.
"What were you guys talking about?" I said.
"Carson asked me what God has been trying to tell me about my life recently," Lily said.
Of course he did.
"Yeah, your turn now," Carson said.
"Oh," I said. "Well, OK."
And I proceeded to tell them a little about my weird faith journey over sophomore year of college. (Someday I will tell you that story, but it is far too vast and huge for this blog post. Again--and this cannot be emphasized enough--this was literally the first thing Carson asked Lily. He had never met her before in his life.)
And as I told my life story, other people sat down and joined our little circle of camaraderie. Lily asked me a bunch of questions about my career goals ("You're a film major? So am I!") and my family's history ("That is so sad how your family had to leave the church") and even my taste in pop culture ("How is it even possible you've never seen Saving Private Ryan?").
As I emerged from a haze of questions and enthusiastic attention, I realized Carson had completely walked away from the conversation. In his place were two other friends: Derek and Lee. Derek was not what you would call a conventional Christian, and I was honestly surprised he even came to the retreat. He was into partying, old film noir and the Milwaukee Brewers.
But he was buddies with Lee, who almost religiously attended every event. Lee started attending our college ministry because he was in love with another girl who attended. They never became a thing, but he was a hopeless romantic and a good friend. He was a quiet but plain-spoken gaming nerd, with an uncanny ability to see right through obfuscation.
"Oh, finally, you're done," Derek said. Lily and I looked sheepishly at each other. How long had we talked? I checked the clock. Three hours. Dang.
Derek piped up again. "You know what time it is?" He held up a game box. "Apples to Apples!"
"Did someone say Apples to Apples?!" Some dude yelled from across the room. "I'm in!"
Never doubt the power of Apples to Apples to bring people together. (This was probably the last year before Cards Against Humanity supplanted its role as "go-to collegiate party game.")
The guy, Kevin, scooted in on the far left side of the couch. Lily moved to the middle, and I hung out on the right side. (Couch proxemics are fascinating, I know, but trust me this is actually important for later.) Derek and Lee just chilled in easy chairs across from us on the couch. At this point, I had literally no idea where Carson went; now I'm pretty sure he went for an 11pm nature walk alone in the woods. Which is just very Carson.
As we play Apples to Apples, I find that I am winning way more than usual, which is awesome. Lily seems to have this knack for picking my card as the winner every time. I am definitely pretty high on my sense of humor at this point as well, since Lily is laughing at all my jokes.
In that moment, I knew I was amazing.
In this present moment, I know I was an idiot.
At about 2 in the morning, Kevin got tired with this game and went to sleep. I noticed Lily was still sitting really close to me. And she didn't really have to be. Weird, huh? She must like me. And all the lightbulbs go off in my head.
No, actually, that's not what happened at all.
Instead, I saw that she was sitting very close to me, and I offered, politely, "You know, there's all this extra couch space over there. You don't have to sit so close."
"Oh," she said. "Okay."
And obliviously I went about judging my submitted red cards for Apples to Apples. Derek and Lee exchanged disbelieving gapes, which of course went unnoticed.
#LadiesMan
(At this point, it seems only fair to mention that I discovered much of this information after the fact--roughly THREE MONTHS after the fact--from my friends Derek and Lee during a Bible study. At which point, I died of shame and then called Carson to prove them wrong. Carson responded, and I quote, "I left because she wasn't paying any attention to me anyhow. You were the only person she noticed." So, again, I am an idiot.)
After such a display of idiocy, Lee felt he needed to step in and wingman me himself. I yawn and say I'm about ready to leave, but Lee insists that NO ONE can leave the game without meeting certain win conditions, which involves getting rid of your entire hand of red Apples to Apples cards. So we stop replenishing our red cards.
But then, as I play my last red card and decide, "OK, I really need to go to bed, it's 3 am and I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow"... Lee creates a new rule! You have to win with that last card in your hand that you submitted.
This is basically impossible and a total crapshoot, since you only have that one card to choose from and submit, but the category could be anything.
Lee adds too that if you don't win that final card hand, you have to go draw five new red cards and keep playing. I get super annoyed at Lee for dragging this out. I look to Lily to back me up on this (implicitly). She seems very supportive of these new extended play rules. And not wanting to be the only one who wimps out, I go along with this.
This continues for just over an hour. At one point, Lily wins out with her last card... but says that, since I'm still playing, she'll grab some new red cards "just so I'm not abandoned."
Finally, somewhere around 4:30am, Lee and Derek give up themselves and head out. At that moment, I was tempted to get salty and remind them that they're breaking their own rules, but I was so tired and delirious that I didn't really care. (Which is impressive for a pedant like me.)
So then it was just Lily and I. (I swear, in hindsight, Lee left with this cheeky little grin on his face.)
Lily said, "It was really fun hanging out tonight."
"Yeah," I say. Pause. And then, "Well, goodnight."
And I turned and left to go to my cabin. 100% oblivious.
I still, to this day, cannot believe this is a true story. I never even remotely considered the idea that she liked me or was interested. There was no possible way she could've made it more obvious without making subtext into text, but even then, I doubt it.
"I like you, Taylor."
"That's cool of you."
"Do you want to go out?"
"Nah, I'm pretty tired. I think I just have to head in for bed."
"Do you like me?"
"Yeah, you're such a cool person. We should play more Apples to Apples tomorrow. As long as you stay on your half of the couch, of course."
Artist's approximation of Lily in her room.
I can only imagine Lily was tempted to think I was a jerk. She probably thought I didn't reciprocate, was friend-zoning her, or even was toying with her emotions for my own entertainment. Maybe she thought me and my friends were playing some cruel joke on her.
I hope not.
But it would be easy for her to say, "No one could be that stupid. Of course he knew."
I can be that stupid. I can be oblivious and totally miss what's going on right in front of my own eyes. I sat in front of a bright purple wall in my college cafeteria for years and didn't realize the wall was purple until someone pointed it out senior year.
What that taught me was twofold.
First of all, I learned that I need to pay attention to people around me. If I only focus on what brings me immediate joy or satisfaction, I might miss hints (subtle or not-so-subtle). I might miss seeing that someone is clearly sad and needs help. I might miss out on a potentially awesome relationship. I might even miss a chance to share Jesus with someone. Don't get sucked into your own black hole of ego.
But second, and maybe most important, I learned that not everything is personal. Not everything is intentional. People can be that stupid. I was. People can be that shallow. They can be that naive or ignorant.
That awful time they ratted out what you did to your boss, all just to screw with you? Maybe that was an accident. It doesn't have to be malice.
That time your friend forgot to come to your party? The one he had helped you plan? Maybe he just forgot about it. It doesn't have to be a slight or an act against you.
People are that stupid. They're usually not that malicious.
Stupid people--like me, like you--can be annoying. But they deserve the benefit of the doubt.
This week, you are going to screw something up. Maybe it's little, maybe it's big. And there is going to be someone who can't even believe you did something like that on accident. You will feel awful. Or better yet, you won't feel a thing, because you never knew it happened.
And you know why? Because you're focused on what someone else unbelievably, inexplicably did to you. The nerve! The outrage!
So get frustrated.
Beat your head against a wall.
Do whatever you have to do.
But then, give them the same benefit of the doubt you hope they would give you.
And also, ladies...
You should probably just straight up tell me if you're interested.
